"Thank you for being a safe space." - Client Conversations

“It is hard to ask for what I want or need. Thank you for being a safe space for me to practice.”

This statement was made by a client during a massage session. This was her first massage with me and during her intake interview she stated that she had massages in the past that made her feel worse after than before she came in.

I asked if she had communicated to the massage therapist that she needed less pressure. She replied, “No. I did not want to hurt the practitioner’s feelings, so I just suffered through it and never went back.”

This is a conversation I have had on repeat with new clients and perspective clients for years. Because honestly, everyone loves to tell me about the nightmare massages they have had in the past and why they don’t want another one or they are scared to try another practitioner.

I get it. From the time we are young (especially as southern women) we are trained and conditioned to be polite and not hurt other people’s feelings. Sometimes we take this lesson so far that we accept situations that are uncomfortable and potentially put us at risk of harm.

The unwillingness to speak up and ask for pressure to be adjusted despite it being painful is just one example.

With this client, she eventually asked for more pressure as the massage went on. At some point, I had no more pressure to give, it was physically impossible. This led to the practice of me informing her that I could not physically give more pressure, but that I could use hot stones, cups or the Graston tools to achieve the deep tissue sensation she was craving. Again, this is a practice of healthy communication. Each person expresses needs and realistic actions. The volley of each back and forth so that each person feels heard, validated and needs met. No feelings hurt, no muscles bruised (well, not without verbal permission. Haha!)  

As a health coach I see this same situation regarding food and health goals. How many times have you partook in a meal or dessert that you didn’t really want because you were already full or it was simply not in alignment with managing your blood sugar or honoring a food sensitivity?

Placing other people’s feelings over your own health is not a good strategy. A lot of times it leads to blame-placing and martyrdom. How many times have you blamed someone else (or heard a friend blame someone else) for sabotaging goals?  

It is difficult to learn how to honor your health goals while simultaneously not hurting other people’s feelings. Or at least softening the blow. Let’s face it, most of us here are southern women and we are known for our ability to deliver an insult while still making the other person feel loved 😉

Find a friend that is a safe space to practice asking for what you need. If you don’t have a friend to lean on in such a way, find a counselor or coach. And if you are local to the Jackson, Mississippi Metro area, you are always welcome to practice with me in a health coaching session or massage therapy session.  

I do want to leave you with some practical ways to start this practice on your own.

How to ask for pressure change in a massage session:

1.        I know I said I like ____this amount of pressure earlier, but I think today I want more/less.

2.        This part of my body is more sensitive than I expected. Can you change your pressure or technique?

*How to navigate food situations:

1.        Oh, that looks delicious. I am not hungry right now. Can I have some to take home for later? You can choose to eat some or none of it later. This strategy keeps you from having to explain what or why you eat in the way you do. I like to joke that the only people more annoying than CrossFit people are Carnivores and Vegans. People that have found a way to live a life of balance and moderation around food do not feel the need to preach to everyone around them about how they should eat. If you are living the lifestyle, it will show. And those that are truly curious will ask about what you are doing that works so well.   

2.        I am not hungry right now. I may have some in a little while. (This takes away the pressure to eat some in the moment.)  

*I feel that sharing tips like this around food can be beneficial and harmful. It can be beneficial if boundaries around food and people are contributing to unhealthy actions. It can be harmful for individuals with eating disorders looking for ways to restrict calories even more. Please use these suggestions to advance and not harm your health.     

Wishing you all the nourished meals and conversations,

Heidi G